So Many
by Akanesi
Summary: The Doctor's companions. What does he truly feel for them? "She turned from pure and became diseased."


'_So long. So many. How lonely you must be, Doctor.'_

So many.

Susan. Young, bright and beautiful. The perfect granddaughter. A link with home. A guide. A safety net. She helped him to find his feet in the new life style. She was the first. The first he abandoned. The first one who begged to be let back in to the Tardis. Who lost him. Who lost home. And it hurt.

Barbara and Ian. His first human companions. It was painful to have them around after Susan. They didn't trust him. When he looked at them he always saw her. They returned home though. They left at the first opportunity. They said they had enjoyed their time but he knew better. Cos that's all it was. Time. And it hurt.

Vikki. He liked travelling with young people. There was so much they didn't know. So much he could show them. So much death. She had fallen in love. Like Susan. Like countless others ahead. Leave him through love. She didn't know Susan and he didn't tell her. Everything was alright. But it still hurt.

Jamie. So brave. So loyal. So stupid. Jamie helped him through his regeneration. His pain. Zoe. So brave. So loyal. So clever. Outsmarted him constantly. Funny. Very few humans had that level of intelligence. Both returned to their own times. Memories erased by THEM. THEY were cruel. THEY made a mistake. THEY made it hurt again.

U.N.I.T. United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. Good people. They listened to him. Mostly. The Brigadier. Sergeant Benton. Good people. Captain Yates. Fell to evil. THEY imprisoned me. THEY put me on Earth with no escape. THEY kept me. And it hurt.

Jo. She was so alive. Never stayed in one place. Had his love for moving on. Helped him through his imprisonment. She was always there for him. But she fell to love in the end. Not with him. And he walked out into the night and cried. And it hurt.

Sarah. Curious. Investigative. Quite like him really. Always in trouble. Always wandering off. She kept him on his toes. But he abandoned her. Dumped her back on Earth. THEY called him home. He didn't have to answer to THEM. But he did. She paid the price. And it hurt.

Leela. Another that was full of life. Savage. But she helped. She wanted to learn. To impress. She had killed. But she learnt not to.

Every time he thought of Leela. He thought of Sarah Jane. He took Leela. Why not her? She fell to love. Kept K9. But he had K9 .II. But machines aren't anything compared to humans. And it hurt.

Romana. A new link with home. But sent by THEM. He didn't know if she could be trusted. She helped though. By flouncing her degrees at him. But it was good to feel not alone. Even if she was a THEM. She stayed in E-Space. Along with K9 .II. He could never return for her. She knew that. He knew that. But still she stayed. And that hurt.

Tegan. So young. So innocent. Stumbled upon him. Accident. Nice accident though. She didn't understand. She thought all was good. But he changed all that. He poisoned her. She turned from pure and became diseased. She left him because of this. She had seen too much death. Too much pain.

'_A lot of good people have died today.' _

And it hurt.

Turlough. So hurt. He trusted him more than others. Even though he tried to kill him. Because he had seen death. He had hurt. When he was there everything was alright. He left for his family. For a good cause. For life. The only one who didn't make it hurt.

Adric. Thinking about him is painful. The first death of a friend. He was clever. Almost too much. Wanted to be noticed. To be liked. He refused him passage home on his death day. And however many times he says it. It doesn't get any better. HE could have saved him. HE didn't. And it hurt again.

Peri. A mystery. An unanswered question. She helped him through his regeneration. His hardest, longest recovery. He still doesn't know what happened to her. Some say she died. Some say she married. Some say she returned home. Others say she ran away. He still doesn't know. He doesn't want to. And that hurts.

Ace. She was alive. Simple. She talked. And laughed. And blew things up. Called him Professor. Explosives were her middle name. Timing on the fuses wasn't. She left when she had grown. When she was old. 16 years she had stayed. No one had ever stayed that long. It helped that she believed. It hurt a little less.

Jack. Another mystery. Steeped in time. Invincible. A rock. Jack helped him before and after. Before giving encouragement. After talking. Just talking. Nothing else is needed. But he decides to stay on Earth with his team. Responsibility. That's good. But it hurts.

Rose. Beautiful Rose. She helped him the most. Helped him through the aftermath of the war. All the death and destruction. She cared. She listened. She talked. Her smile was like the golden rays of the sun. Her eyes shining blue as sapphires. Her power was great. Great enough to take the Time Vortex.

To save me.

All my life I have been leading to this point. The point where I love. Love like this. Want to care for someone. Always. To stop them from coming to any harm.

My whole life has been leading to this moment.

And I've blown it.

I didn't say the words.

I didn't tell her I loved her.

But it didn't hurt.

It couldn't.

Not anymore.


End file.
